


Capacity

by mimsical



Series: the sgrub trauma au [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caretaking, Crying, Dissociation, Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, autonomy is important, i saved this to my computer as "rose fixes all.docx" so theres a hint to the storyline, people being a danger to themselves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9111448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimsical/pseuds/mimsical
Summary: Recovery is a long, agonizingly slow process.





	

**Author's Note:**

> time to start making dirk happier!
> 
> warnings at end

"Rose," you say into the phone, and lean your forehead against the wall for a moment as you fight down a swell of emotion. "Rose, half the time it's like he doesn't know I'm there, or he doesn't recognize me at all." 

Rose, pragmatic as ever, says, "Don't focus on that. Focus on what does get him to react. What have you had success with?"

You take a few deep breaths, try to keep yourself together. "Well, he panics completely if he sees Karkat. Makes sense I guess. They've never met, anyway, so Karkat's just another troll to him. Uh. He reacts to his friends' names but not well. He doesn't panic, though, just starts crying and gets unresponsive pretty quick." 

"Any positive reactions?" she asks. "Roxy was there for the rescue, after all."

"Yeah, he reacts less strongly to her," you agree. "Jane, too, he's more...scared-sad, instead of just sad. He's pretty inconsolable if I can get through to him that Jake's been around." 

Rose is quiet on the other end of the phone for a moment. 

"What?" you ask. 

"I worry about that," she says. "Jake's sad, of course, and worried, but he's been beyond relieved that Dirk is safe. But I worry that Dirk wasn't... that he didn't choose Jake's... affection. That their relationship was just another thing he was coerced into." 

You turn that thought over in your head. "It's not like they could've... nearly all of their interactions were over a messaging system. They couldn't have made Dirk..." You trail off. Of course they could have. It's not like you don't know about cyber sex. 

"I'm just speculating," Rose says into your silence. "For all we know their relationship was completely mutual. In fact we won't know anything unless Dirk tells us. Try to concentrate on bringing out positive reactions in him."

You blink back more tears. "I've been playing some of the songs I would sing him to sleep with when he was a kid, and other stuff that was playing around the house as he was growing up. He's pretty quiet when there's music. Not exactly happy, but calmer."

"That's really good," Rose encourages. "If you block the window carefully, then you might open it a little so he can get fresh air. As long as he can't break the glass or force it open more." 

"I hate keeping him locked up like this," you mutter. "It feels no better."

"When he continuously demonstrates that he is not a danger to himself and others, then you can start letting him into the rest of the apartment." Rose clears her throat. There's background voices on her end of the call. You think you hear Kanaya, maybe. "In the meantime, let him have any of his belongings that aren't dangerous. Books, childhood toys, and if he can, let him pick colors and styles for clothes he wants. His autonomy is very important, and you're right to think he likely feels trapped still. Let him make as many choices as are safe." 

"Okay," you say. "Okay, will do." 

"I should go," she says, gentle. "Let me know if Dirk feels differently about his friends at any point. They do miss him greatly."

"I will," you say. "Thanks, Rose."

"Bye, Dave," she says. 

"Bye," you say, and hang up rather than wait for the dial tone. There's a knock on the doorframe and you look up to see Karkat watching you from the entrance to the kitchen. 

"Did she help at all?" he asks. 

"A little," you say, and cross the room to bury yourself against him and into the warmth of his arms. "We're not horribly fucking up, anyway," you mumble into his sweater. 

"That's good," Karkat says, not placatingly, but with a depth of feeling that is so very Karkat that you laugh a little. "Did she have any advice?"

"Let him make decisions," you say. "As soon as I can I'm going to get some catalogues so he can pick out some clothes."

"You should ask him what he wants for dinner," Karkat says. "Let's see if he has an opinion." 

"Yeah," you say, but stay close for a moment or two longer, breathing in the odd sharpness to how Karkat smells, overlaying his fancy laundry soap and your shampoo in his rat's nest of hair. "Thanks," you add. 

"For what?" Karkat asks, running his hands across your back soothingly. 

"For sticking around. Helping. Even if Dirk can't be around you yet. Picking up all of my slack and shit." Karkat is a saint, honestly. 

Karkat hums a laugh. "Of course," he says. 

"Yeah. Okay." You make yourself pull back and prepare to go talk to Dirk again. "Love you."

"Love you too," Karkat responds, and steps aside to let you down the hall to Dirk's room. Used to be your room, the master bed and bath, but you took it apart so he could have it, took the door off the bathroom and the plug out of the bath, removed anything that could be a weapon or a way for him to get hurt, installed plastic in the windows so they're not breakable. 

It's all worth it. Dirk might as well be your own kid, even if he's not, really. 

You knock to give him warning, unlock the door and step in. Dirk is lying on his back in the center of the mattress, tracing absentminded patterns on the blankets. 

"Hey, Dirk," you say, quiet and easy. "It's about four o'clock right now, so I was wondering what you might like for dinner."

He looks over at you after a moment, which is definitely progress. Shrugs. 

"Pizza?" you suggest. "Tacos? Pasta?" 

You let the silence rest for a long moment. Dirk's hand has curled into a fist in the blankets. 

"Pizza," he says, and looks back towards the window. 

"Alright, pizza it is," you agree with relief. "Cheese okay?" 

"Yeah," Dirk says. 

"Great," you say. "I'll call the pizza place and get an order going. You need anything else?" 

"Yes," Dirk says. 

You freeze with your hand already outstretched for the door. He never asks for anything. 

After a moment, Dirk sits up, and curls over on himself, knees to his chest, arms wrapped around his knees. He looks at his socks, not at you. "You said... you said. Someone has. Jake?" The words are stilted, nearly inaudible. 

"He's living with my friend Rose," you say. "Rose is Roxy's mother." 

He nods jerkily. 

You’ve said this already, but he’s staring at you with a barely rational desperation, so you go ahead and repeat it, hoping it’ll help. “Roxy, Jane, and Jake are all living together now. I found Jake while I was searching for you. Rose was one of our allies in finding you and the other missing kids. When Jake told me more about Roxy, I realized that she was Rose’s daughter. From there we were able to track down Jane’s dad, too.” Dirk’s expression hasn’t really changed, but he’s definitely not stopping you, so you continue. “Jane wasn’t willing to leave her friends, so she and her dad are sort of permanent houseguests to the Lalondes right now. Jake doesn’t have any family. He was staying here for a while, but we thought it might be upsetting for both of you if he was living here after I brought you home.”

Now Dirk flinches and slides his gaze away to the window.

“Would it have?” you ask, trying to be as delicate as possible. “Do you want to see him again? You don’t have to, ever, if you’d rather not.”

Dirk shakes again, digs his fingers into his arms, and curls his feet under. “Does. He?”

“Does he… want to see you?” you guess.

Dirk nods.

“He… hasn’t asked to come see you, since we made it clear that you weren’t ready for visitors,” you say slowly, “but he is… glad you’re here, and helped a lot in rescuing you, and says he misses you.”

Dirk presses his head down onto his knees, still shaking. You haven’t seen him cry in a very long time, and it takes you a second to parse what’s happening without any sound cues.

“Hey,” you say, soft. “Dirk, it’s okay.”

He doesn’t answer. You hesitantly move to sit beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Do you miss him?” you guess.

He nods against himself, just one short jerk of his head.

“Aw, Dirk,” you say, and very carefully rest a hand between his shoulder blades. “Do you want me to ask Rose if you can talk to him on the phone?”

He just shrugs and keeps his shoulders hunched up around his ears. The tension in him is building harshly, and you remove your hand from his back. This helps him ease back a little bit.

“Okay,” you say, still quiet and careful. The last thing you want right now is to retrigger the parts of his mind that go to that awful, cold, dangerous place that let him survive hurting his friends. “If you ever do, just let me know, okay?”

“Mmm,” Dirk chokes out, which doesn’t sound like an acknowledgement, more like a noise of pure agony welling up from inside him. You resist trying to touch him again. Rose speculates that after being deprived of positive physical contact for so long, he likely now finds it overwhelming. Sometimes it helps him not disappear into his mind, and sometimes it doesn’t.

So you just sit with him for a while, until he stops vibrating with tension and uncurls his feet.

“Still want that pizza?” you ask.

There’s another long silence.

“Yes,” Dirk says.

“Will you be okay if I leave to go order it?” you ask.

“Yes.” Dirk isn’t looking up. Probably too vulnerable right now to fathom eye contact. That’s fine.

“Alright,” you say. “I’ll be back soon, then.”

You make yourself get up and cross the room. You only glance back at Dirk’s huddled form once before locking the door behind you. Then you go looking for Karkat because even if Dirk can’t handle comfort right now, that sure as hell doesn’t mean you don’t need it. Karkat is very good at reassuringly holding your hand while you talk to people on the phone. It’s like a superpower or something.

Karkat, pizza, make sure Dirk eats something because even if he isn’t rail-thin anymore he’s definitely still kind of scary, and then maybe you can watch one of Karkat’s favorite movies with him or something, make sure it isn’t all about you and your needs. Go to bed, call Rose in the morning with this new development. Cautiously hope that Dirk's wanting to know more about Jake is a good sign, a sign that he wasn't forced into their relationship by the game, and that maybe this can help him heal. 

Okay. That sounds like a manageable plan.

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: pretty much what was in the tags, plus discussion of food and eating. the dubious consent tag is rose and dave speculating on whether or not the game/the evil people doing bad things to dirk might have forced him into acting out a relationship with jake, perhaps even to the point of cybering with him. they're wrong about this, but it's not completely confirmed one way or another in this fic. also dirk is confined to his bedroom and bathroom for his own safety, with anything that could be used to hurt himself or anyone else removed. his windows do not open.


End file.
